Recap from yesterday:
This fast has always been about so much more than just wanting to get healthy and lose a little weight in the process. It is also about breaking some personal chains of mine and getting closer to the way the Lord has intended for me to live. I believe with all of my heart that I am being called into this just as I was called to lead the women of my church on a mission to become healthy. I am being called out of my old way of living in a way that on many levels resembles how I was set free from depression.
One personal chain of mine that needs to be broken is that of sugar addiction and binge eating. That is a pretty powerful thing for me to admit online but I think if most people look at me they can see that I have food issues to begin with. I did not get overweight eating salads. It came from years of abusing food - yes I used the word abusing as if I am referring to a drug.
You can be addicted to anything, not just drugs or alcohol. Anything that makes you lose control and forces you to live your life by it's rules is an addiction. Sugar, high carb foods, and just plain bad for you foods are the drugs that have chosen me.
I have had issues with food for as long as I could remember. I have overcome bulimia and anorexia just to fall into the hands of compulsive overeating and binging. I was never thin like a "true" anorexic or bulimic. That is one stereo type that I would like to see smashed. A person dealing with anorexia and bulimia is not always skeletal in appearance - especially when they first start out. Someone you know may be stuggling with this and you would never know because it is a somewhat easy thing to hide.Compulsions with food come in many shapes and forms, and often times if you struggle with one issue you will ultimately end up facing the other issues as well. Food issues in my opinion are all the same: They all have one root cause but are called by different titles.
When I was set free from the depression I began to be healed from my food addictions and issues, but I have always said during this whole process that when God set me free He only opened the door. Once that door was opened I just had to walk right through it. I have felt for the past 3 years since my freedom that I am on the road to recovery but I am just merely standing in that doorway.
This fast I believe will be the completion of my healing and I am starting to see an end to my journey out of my former self. Complete healing does not always come with the sick person immediately taking up their bed (John 5:8 Jesus saith unto him, Rise, take up thy bed, and walk.) Recovery is sometimes a slow process where the person may have to relearn how to walk and live normal again. That is how I feel. Like I am learning how to walk all over again, but this time as I am walking, I am held up by arms that are much stronger than I am, the arms of Jesus.
When a person is recovering from an illness they are very weak. It is the same for someone who is recovering from addiction. You are weak. Just as the person who is learning to walk again must stumble and fall along the way so does a person recovering from addiction. It is not an easy road. Some days are more of a struggle than others and sometimes you do stumble and fall. I have fallen many times in the last three years. The difference is that I did not stay down. I got up and continued to walk.
Never was I more sure of my addiction to sugar and issues with food than this morning - the morning after day 6. Last night I had an unexplained episode of wanting to eat like I used to and to binge my feelings away. I did not cave in because I knew that there is a higher purpose in what I am doing right now.
I did discover however that it is possible to binge, even on a diet of just fruits and vegetables. I did not binge like in times past but it was as if I wanted something to eat but could find no satisfaction.
After downing a large plate of stir fried mushrooms and olive oil and a whole avocado I felt very full but still unsatisfied. I found myself very confused by this and very disheartened. I could not understand why after 5 days of eating so good, and feeling so good, and really not even wanting a taste of anything sweet that I would be having these old feelings crop up.
I was extremely down this morning and wondering if what I am doing is right. I knew that I would continue with the fast but I felt very saddened by the fact that my food issues could find a way to pop up even when I am starting to feel so clean and free. I know that satan can, and does, try to come between you and a closer walk with God and will use anything in his power to do so. That tool he used on me came in the form of some dried dates. That may sound ridiculous to you but that is exactly what happened.
I have checked the ingredients on every food I have bought that is not in fruit or vegetable form. I have made very sure to not have anything with added sugar, chemicals or vegetable oil in it. I know that sugar is a weakness for me. It causes my hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) to go crazy and causes my binging issues to be worse. This fast was a way for me to rid myself of this sugar addiction.
The other night I purchased a container of dried dates that I double checked the ingredients. I was pretty unsure of them so I checked the container several times. I could not find any ingredients on them at all so I assumed that meant it was just dried dates and nothing else - a lot of "natural" foods do not list the ingredients.
I went out with my children for a few hours yesterday and I wanted a small snack to take with me in case of sudden hunger. I decided to make my own mini trail mix with almonds, raisins, walnuts and these dates. Still in the back of my mind I was having this little nagging thought about those innocent looking little dates. So before putting them in my baggie of trail mix I checked that container again for the 4th or 5th time. I still saw no ingredients. Satisfied with this I went about my day and snacked away on my date infested trail mix.
Fast forward to this morning (day 7). I am still feeling like I want to eat everything sweet in sight, but am determined not to give up. For breakfast I decide to make myself fruit salad with bananas, blueberries, strawberries, almonds and oh why not a few of these dates for added sweetness. That's when I saw it. Right there on the lid of the container in curved writing. Ingredients: dates, dextrose. SUGAR! These things have SUGAR! Dextrose is sugar. Oh NOOOO I've had sugar!..... Ok so I didn't quite panic that much, but what I did feel was an immediate sense of relief.
This was quickly followed by the thought of - did I just ruin my fast? I now feel ok knowing that I'm not going crazy and that the sugar craving was in fact triggered by hidden sugar. But now I also feel a little bit let down by the fact that I unknowingly allowed one of my old foes to come back in during a time that was meant solely for God. I know that I have bad eyes and need glasses most of the time but I do not see how, after looking that container over top to bottom 5 times, I could have missed that. I believe that this was a trick used against me. Satan knows our weakness and if it can be used against us trust me, he will try it. Just look at Job!This brings new meaning to the phrase "being blinded by the devil."
I realize that this mistake was not intentional and I do not plan to end the fast. I do not believe for a second that my time of cleansing has been ruined. This is just another time where I have fallen and must get back up again, rebuke the devil, and continue to walk toward my higher calling.
Those dates were harmless and in all honesty they were far more healthy for me than what I would normally eat. When I go off of the fast I am sure I will enjoy them whole heartedly but for now this time is meant for God and for my body, the temple of the Holy Spirit, to be clean and new for His purpose.
Day 6 Menu -
Breakfast: Mock hasbrowns made from apples, potatoes, diced onion, lime juice, olive oil, and fresh ground pepper and sea salt for seasoning. 1 cup of 100% grape juice.
Lunch: 1 avocado with french's spicy horseradish mustard on top (the only condiment I have found so far that is of completely natural ingredients - plus it's really good!)
Dinner: Very large plate of mushrooms sauteed in olive oil with the spicy mustard again.
Snacks: Too much trail mix made from almonds, raisins, walnuts, and the infamous dates.
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